Tuesday, June 26, 2007
The Journal of Regency Lady 14
Today is my wedding. I woke this morning and my first thought was one of terror. By this evening I shall be Harry’s wife. I was too much of a coward to tell him I had changed my mind. Mama would have been so angry, and disappointed. I wish that I had thought a little more, but of course I did not know that Robert meant to ask me to be his wife. I do not know it for sure now. He has not come, but he may have seen the announcement in the papers. I am sure that when he knows he will be hurt and that hurts me. I feel so wicked. I do not like to hurt people, and I am determined to be a good wife to Harry. I like him very well. As for love I hardly know what that means, except that sometimes when Robert looked at me in a certain way I suspected that he loved me – but I must stop now for Mama will be here soon and the day will begin.
I have been married three days. My dear Harry is very good to me. He teases me and makes me laugh, and he was very gentle when he made me his wife. I think I was foolish to fear being married to him and we shall do very well together. We are to leave for the south coast in the morning. Harry will join his regiment and I shall meet the other wives who are travelling to Spain with their husbands. In all the turmoil of the past weeks I had almost forgotten that there was a war on. However, that is behind me. I am married now and shall think no more of…a certain person. I believe that I was foolish to imagine he cared for me. Had he truly wanted to marry me he would have said something before he left for the North. So I shall put all that nonsense from my mind. Perhaps I should not write in my journal anymore now that I am married, and yet I have become attached to it and I may have exciting things to relate once we are in Spain. I feel nervous and excited, just as I did over my wedding, and now I can see that it was all nonsense. Of course I love Harry. He is my husband and will be the father of my children.
Oh, I hardly dare to put this down, but I have seen Robert. He looked at me with such reproach in his eyes that it broke my heart. We did not speak, but I learned that he will be travelling on the ship with us when we leave next week with Harry’s regiment. I hope that I shall not see him often for it is hard to bear when he looks at me so! I am Harry’s wife and nothing can change that – and I care for him, I really do – but there is something in Robert’s eyes that makes me feel I shall swoon with shame!